I’ve realized I’m a very atypical person: talking to coworkers in my age range today I realized they have a better financial situation than mine: they are married, some with children, own their own condos, houses, or are paying a mortgage, but can still live a normal life, own a car, some even have the luxury of not having to work 40 hours a week, but 32 because they don’t need to work more, house already paid, family and life objectives achieved.
Me: I’m 43, I don’t own but rent, meaning I pay for something I’m never going to own. The last 2 years I’ve been saving like crazy because I’m afraid of not having enough money for retirement, and because in my past I did so much stupid shit, meaning I wasted so many years not doing anything of use.
I have around 100K in the bank, I know I should invest but I’m also scared of losing that money and I don’t know if I should use that money as a down payment for a house.
My father owns 3 houses and I envy him. I’ve been thinking about asking him to sell one of the houses and give me the proceeds so I can buy my own place because some of my coworkers did that and could finance their own home. When my father went to study to another state my grandfather bought him a house there so he wouldn’t have to rent. When he moved back to home state he sold and invested the money to buy a new house there. He had way easier than me. It’s not fair. I feel… unloved?
I guess this makes me an entitled ass but I feel so… lost?
To summarize, I feel like a loser because I’m old, I’m behind most of my coworkers my age, I’m a very individualistic person but this means I’m going to die alone, but sometimes I feel alone and scared of being old and alone. I don’t own anything of value to my name, it’s like I’m an old teenager.
If you have 100k saved in liquid cash, you definitely need to be investing that in broad scale index funds. Keeping it liquid means inflation is going to be eating away at your money over time, which is really not good. The whole market is pretty out of balance due to AI, but it’s better to get in now rather than trying to wait and see. You have time to recover from market crashes, just don’t panic sell if the market crashes.
If financial stuff isn’t your thing, you can also save for retirement in prefabbed vehicles called Target-Date Funds. These are kinda annoying as they have a decent amount of fees, but you basically set a retirement goal date, and they will automatically rebalance more and more conservatively over time. However, you are at a bit of a disadvantage if you start at 43. I’d recommend saving aggressively if you can afford to.
Renting vs buying is always a thing, and it highly depends where you live. Having money for a down payment is good, but I’d consider what 100k invested right now would do for you until you are 80 vs what a house would do for you instead. 40 years of interest could be better than a significant debt load, even with several market crashes.
Fwiw, if you don’t have a spouse or kids, I don’t really see much value in a house. Rent a cheap one bed and laugh all the way to the bank when a water pipe breaks and you don’t have to cover 75k in water damage.
Have kids and getting married doesn’t make you any more mature or your life fulfilling than not having them. Anyone can have kids as long as they are biologically able to. The question is are you willing to sacrifice your life to raise them and provide for them? It’s a life-long responsibility that has no return policy!
As for your investments, you should put that 100k from least to most conservative either in an S&P 500, target date fund, or HYSA. You’re literally losing money by just keeping it in the bank cause of inflation.
A lot of people spend a lot of time on an extrinsic search for intrinsic meaning. There isn’t one. The value and meaning of your life can only be self-determined. That feels impossibly heavy at first, but as you come to embrace it, there is an incredible freedom in it. If there is any determinant of adulthood, that’s it - to be self-defined. To that end, there are no “rules” about what your life must look like - marriage, kids, home ownership, whatever else are all options, but not compulsory. It’s up to you to determine what it is that you actually want.
The other marker of adulthood, I think, is to have come to terms with your childhood. It sounds like you think your father was given advantages that he hasn’t seen fit to pass on to you, and you understandably have some feelings about it. Family of origin issues can really cloud your mind until you sort through and come to terms with them. Talking to a therapist about it (or bar that, reading some books on the subject) could be of some value. A lot of people go through their lives reenacting patterns they observed in their parents or projecting their unmet needs from childhood onto others, to their own detriment. This is work that you have to do yourself; no one can “fix” you.
Comparison will not get you anywhere. Consider who you want to be, and then start taking steps in that direction. Once you have set out on that journey, you may encounter others on their own journeys or you may not, but you won’t have your self-worth riding on the outcome.
You are scared of the unknown. Get on the internets and download a mortgage/home ownership spreadsheet. Then you can see how much house/condo you can afford, and at when you are ahead from renting.
You have more than enough money to put a down payment on a mortgage for a house. Do it.
Don’t imagine that you should wait until you get married, get the house for yourself, because you’re right, it’s an important investment, and you’re just throwing your money away on rent. It’s surprising you haven’t bought a house yet.
Yes, you sound entitled. I was embarrassed that I had to borrow the down payment for my house from my dad, I never expected him to buy me a damn house, even though he could have just done so outright. I never felt “unloved”, quite the opposite. He raised me to stand on my own feet, and now that he’s gone, I’m grateful to him for doing so.
Having said all that, house prices are ridiculous right now, but are starting to crash in some markets, I’d wait no more than year to see what happens. Use that time to plan, instead of whining.
If you have 100k in the bank you can afford to buy your own house.
what i told you being an adult is an arbitrary and made up distinction and nobody ever actually grows up and literally every single person you have ever seen is to some degree faking it until they make it
Correct and anyone who feels otherwise is not to be trusted
You are doing better than most with 100k in the bank. I wouldn’t sweat it much.
For real. Most people live paycheck to paycheck, including people who make $100k+ a year. They just have bigger bills. Living within your means is one of the most essential adult skills there is. It’s also lacking in most adults.
What is an adult? It’s a culturally-defined concept which you don’t meet all the criteria for, and that’s why you feel this way. There are certain markers that you don’t possess. That’s OK. I’m in a pretty similar situation to you, and I also don’t feel “like an adult”. Embrace it. Look for similarly situated people that you can admire.
I have spoken to many many elderly people that either act like petulant children or they say that inside they really don’t feel like they have a different mind than when they were children/late adolescents. The truth is you are projecting largely outdated social signifiers for adulthood onto yourself. It sounds like the real problem is that you are struggling financially and asking your parents for assistance feels infantilizing but its the exact sort of thing that gave them “adulthood” ™…
Sure, having kids and getting married can confirm you are an adult- but honestly, having children connected me more closely with my childhood and brought back memories from childhood I thought had disappeared. It also gave me more insight into my own parents, for better or worse. Does that make me more of an adult or more of a child? considering that when I was childless and dating people I was only concerned with other adults in my life and having fun with them- and now I am putting myself in my childrens shoes and my relationship to my parents is evolving in ways it hadn’t for decades? idk if you really wanted any advice, but I guess my advice would be to worry less about measuring your life and self worth against others, and worry more about your aspirations and your community.
Getting married and having kids really really sucks. This horrific world is going to ruin my children. I am not rich enough to protect them.
I am terrified. I should never have thought I could do this. The worst part is, I knew better.
Don’t do it. The rulers don’t deserve your children.
If you do get married, marry someone you trust with your very life itself, and don’t have kids.
Unless you are very rich and already own a lot of shit. Then do what you want.
I relate to this a lot.
Solidarity.
The difference between you an a teenager is 20something years of life experience. Don’t infantalise yourself
Break your boy off a piece of the rapidly inflating contents of that bank account and I’ll fill you in on how to get past that feeling and reach a more whole state of being.
E: I am being %100 deadass. This post is not a joke or attempt to get “free” money. I know exactly what you’re describing and when you’re ready I’ll help you figure out why you specifically are experiencing it.
yes.
Daaamn, you have a hundred grand?
I’m almost 41 and you’re doing better than I am!
Yeah, im 41, i have a wife, a nice house, 2 cars, 4 kids, 3 dogs and quite a bit of debt. I wouldn’t trade any of that for the world, but i would love 100k in the bank…
Also 41. Also same.
