Met a 22 yo in a group I am involved in, she asked if I wanted a lift to a meeting, there and back. I don’t know her very well but she’s young a lot younger than me by 10years.
So talking on the way back she mentions antidepressants, I too take anti depressants, the conversation moves towards SSRIs and sex. I panic because that shit makes me supper uncomfortable, she said some stuff that was a blatant hint. Anyway me and her have activity later in the week for the group we’re in, she’s invited me out for a drink after and being friendly and uncomfortable I said yea sure.
How best to proceed? I don’t want things to be weird and our group get weird as a result. I wish I could set boundaries.
Worth mentioning I have crazy anxiety so don’t judge too hard I mostly run on auto pilot in those situations.
Best to talk to her before anything else and explain that you’re flattered, but not interested. Don’t lead her on.
Oooor, don’t shut everyone and everything out and maybe give it a try? They are both adults nej?
OP has directly stated that they are uncomfortable with the situation. This isn’t even getting into analysis of social power dynamics yet, OP is uninterested, full stop.
Are you Swedish?
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OP cites how she’s 10 years younger than him, making her 12
Read it this way at first too but no - she is 22 and 10 years younger than OP, so OP is 32.
Oh, my bad, thx for the correction. Though the problem remains if OP feels anxious about the situation
Oh, totally. It’s just not as bad as you thought
She’s 22
Cheers for the laugh.
Bro… this is a fucking wild comment I hope it’s satirical.
It depends. In which month(s) are your and your sister’s birthdays? Also, when was the first measurement taken? When is the current measurement taken?
This is probably the best approach. I’m a bit of a people pleaser which doesn’t help in these situations, I was lowkey hopping a commenter might suggest avoidance 😂
I know, it sucks, haha. However, the longer you put this off the more invested she will be, so it’s absolutely important to make clear boundaries as soon as you can, without crushing her ego.
Good luck!
Thank you comrade.
No problem comrade!
If you are open to friendship with this person, then you could still go for a drink. It can be nice to have someone who has experienced similar negative things to talk to.
First: as someone with a strong evangelical Christian background, I can sympathize with discussions about sex–and specifically about your sex life–being deeply uncomfortable. Unfortunately, that’s something that you’re going to have to discuss with any potential romantic partner, and sooner rather than later. (Because let me tell you, significant differences in sex drive and desire will tank every and any relationship).
Second: Drinks are not necessarily a commitment to anything more. I would prefer coffee (or tea) as a first date since it’s even lower pressure, but many people prefer alcohol because it’s a social lubricant. Your call there. My suggestion would be to start by getting to know the person. I’m autistic (seriously), and IMO the most honest approach is to be direct, despite how hard it is when you want to please people. Yes, being a people pleaser means that you’re going to want to tell her what you think she wants to hear, rather than what you really feel, and that will bite you in the ass, repeatedly. And yeah, anxiety and things like rejection sensitive dysphoria are going to make that exceptionally hard.
Third: you said that she was a ride to a meeting; can you elaborate on what kind of meeting? I’m asking because if this is someone that you’re going to have to see in a professional setting, you do need to proceed very carefully. Workplace relationships–or relationship rejections–can be very fraught.
Last: I’m not as immediately opposed to age gaps in relationships as some people. I do generally think that the (n/2)+7 rule is a decent rule of thumb, but it’s not an absolute. The reason that rule generally exists, IMO, is that people in different generations have different cultural markers, things that were significant in the formation of their personality and worldview, and large differences there can make relationships more challenging. E.g., if you remember 11 September '01 and the political fallout, while she grew up fully immersed in the prevailing political climate, then it might be hard to see eye to eye on some things. There can also be imbalances of maturity and power that can result from larger age differences, e.g., you might be much more set both professionally and financially, which could make the relationship less equal. So it’s something to be aware of and careful about.
For me I grew up in a hyper sexualized house hold and Catholic too but I now have unhealthy ideas around sex, mostly embarrassment. So when its brought up by someone I have little connection to I go into an almost shut down mode. With sexual partners I have had little to no issue but it does make dating very difficult. I am with her tomorrow and will make it clear that I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship.
I’m not going to tell you how to live your life–I can barely live my own–but is there a specific reason that you aren’t interested, other than the fact that she’s more comfortable with the idea of sex than you are?
The reason for my disinterest wasn’t her being comfortable with sex, that was just the reason I responded in the affirmative when asked out. She’s too young, she’s in my political party, also I am in therapy figuring myself out and wouldn’t be right to pull someone else through this.
she’s in my political party,
Hol’ up here, pardner. I dunno about you, but I can’t imagine trying to date outside of my political party. I can’t even imagine dating someone that’s religious or even “spiritual”.
also I am in therapy figuring myself out and wouldn’t be right to pull someone else through this.
I personally disagree with this reasoning. I used to believe something similar about myself, but it turns out having a partner helped me immensely. I didn’t drag her down, she pulled me up.
It sounds like you two share some traits, so it seems like being honest about your feelings might be somewhat low risk. If you both have depression and some form or anxiety, she might be having similar feelings. It could be that, while you go along as a coping mechanism, she blurts out what she’s thinking to the same end.
In the end, if you value your relationship with her, honestly is always the best policy.
If you’re totally uninterested, independently of potential awkwardness, I’d basically explain as much. “I think you’re cool and we have a lot in common, but I’ve been thinking and realized I might not be comfortable with the age difference and potentially changing the group dynamic.”
If it’s purely the potential external consequences that have you ready to cut off the possibility, and you could actually see yourself in a relationship with them, I’d say you could mention that concern, but don’t let it make the decision for you. Sounds like this is someone likely to understand social anxiety and who also values the group dynamic, so I doubt they’d react super negatively to mentioning that you want to be careful about that and preserve it while seeing if there’s more there between the two of you.
Cheers, I don’t think I am cut out for someone that young, discovering the world and figuring themselves out. But yea I think you and cowbee are correct in I need a dialogue, I will bring it up when where doing some activity.
Be honest with her and expose things clearly, tactfully, and not bluntly. Tell her that you find her amazing but that that the only thing you can offer right now is friendship.
As for the age: (n/2)+7 is a suggestion, not a law. Take things on a case to case basis and a day at a time. I’m gonna turn 40 in march and would need a great amount of rapport with someone younger than 30 or older than 45 to be interested and have the energy to make it work on a long term.
I can relate to what I’m hearing from you. All I can say is that you’ll just have to bite the bullet and have the awkward situation now or have it be twice as bad later.
Please feel free to tell me you don’t feel comfortable discussing the subject, since you already mentioned it makes you super uncomfortable and I apologize because I don’t mean to do that, or maybe someone else can answer it but what’s the connection there between SSRIs and sex?
I’ve never been on antidepressants or SSRIs so I have no idea. Does it amplify the experience or something?
SSRIs have been known to decrease libido in some, sometimes severely, even after discontinuing the medication
Thanks! That’s what I expected but makes the interaction make less sense to me.
God no. Quite the opposite. SSRIs tend to seriously blunt sexual response. The most common effect is sharply delayed orgasms, but it can cause near total anorgasmia, and/or difficultly with sexual arousal at all. Sexual dysfunction and weight gain are the two most common side effects of SSRIs.
You could call her and have a conversation and say that you aren’t interested in dating, that you don’t want to give her the wrong idea, but you can be friends. (At 32/2+7=23, it’s outside of what is generally considered an acceptable age gap.)
Give her a bang once so you can be comfortable and friends after.
