For example, Marmite Crumpets don’t exist. You cannot buy them at the supermarket. To be clear: you can buy crumpets, you can buy marmite, you can buy butter; but you have to assemble them at home.
If you walk into a breakfast cafe, they will happily serve you sausage / egg / bacon / french toast / bubble / squeak (whatever that is). But no marmite crumpets. If you ask them to make it, they will give you a very strange look. It’s not typically offered. It’s something you just have to make at home.
It is unbuyable. Any tourist who comes to the UK to try a Marmite crumpet would need to bring a toaster or an oven with them, or quickly befriend a brit and hope that they have all the ingredients at home.
It’s not a secret. You just can’t have it.
*munches into crumpet thoughtfully, and salivates at the juicy savory delight, whilst staring at you pityingly and condescendingly*
Anyway, what’s something that I could never experience unless I made it myself in your local?
A Twinkie weiner sandwich.
- Cook a hot dog
- Slice a twinkie halfway through the bottom longwise to get something like a hotdog bun
- Insert the cooked hotdog into newly created bun
- Squirt easy cheese along the length of the hot dog
- Dip in milk
- Eat
Weird Al invented this in 1989 in his movie UHF and it’s still not available in stores for some reason
I need to rewatch that movie (and seriously, how great of an actor is Weird Al?)
Sounds like something you could get at a state fair
Isn’t a Twinkie partly chocolate?
You may be thinking of a ho-ho. Also made by Hostess.
Nah that’s a chocodile which is a chocolate covered Twinkie
If I’m going to have a twinkie, I’ll grill it (or toss it in the air fryer I have to try that) just enough until it starts to caramelize on the outside
YES CHEF that sounds unironically delicious
it is. some friends in college were getting together around thanksgiving for a turkey roast. i’m allergic to turkey so I intentionally misheard them and showed up with a box of twinkies. a tradition was born that day.
Decent fitting clothes with deep pockets and quality fabrics with the colors i like
I feel like that’s something only few people could actually make
True, but it’s an important reason for many people to start to learn how to make their own clothes. It takes effort, but one can learn how to do this. And it used to be a very common skill. With today’s junk on the market, we have a good enough reason to start learning.
I patch my old socks with older socks, if that helps. And I fix armpit tears with a rough stitch. That’s about it.
I can sew, but finding decent fabrics is hard. Back in the 70s I made all my own clothes and I can still remember some of the fantastic fabrics I used: a ming blue paisley sateen cotton; a red denim (for a duffel jacket with a toning floral for the hood lining); a soft purple lightweight wool; a dark green raw silk; glorious Chinese rayon florals in rich colours. So much choice!
I’ve only ever found one zip-up hoodie with decent insulation and pockets deep enough that my phone won’t fall out of them if I’m not careful, and you better believe I’m taking good care of it.
I had the same issue until I discovered MTailor. It’s all I wear now. A bit more expensive but totally worth it.
Ha! We can get marmite and vegemite here in the states. And they’re both fucking delicious when used right.
But, you can’t get applebutter anything in the wild around here. Might be possible elsewhere, but I haven’t run across it.
Not sure what is and isn’t a thing elsewhere, but applebutter isa strongly spiced apple product used as a spread. It’s sweet rather than savory. It typically features cloves, cinnamon and allspice as the main spices, in varying proportions. It is also fucking amazing.
But you won’t find it in restaurants at all.
There is a great southern tradition of applebutter biscuits. Biscuits here, again in case it isn’t known, are a fluffy, light, scone-like quickbread. And it’s similar to your scenario. Places could offer that as a menu option and bring it to you. They could possibly make a deal for individual packets of it like exist for jelly, and bring that with biscuits. But nobody does.
It’s one of those things that if you came over here, you can’t find it in restaurants. Even worse, while you can buy commercially made applebutter (there’s a few brands out there) they are all inferior to even mid tier homemade applebutter. So you can’t even buy the experience the way people can at home. You can’t just go out and buy Whitehouse applebutter and get the right texture and taste on your biscuits (or toast, or crumpets).
The commercially made options are all too thin for one thing. They don’t spread like applebutter is supposed to. It’s supposed to have a thick consistency, closer to something like a jam or preserve. The commercial stuff is also over-homogeneous and too finely textured. Homemade is going to have small chunks of softened apple as opposed to a blended texture.
The spice mix in store bought also tends to be both blander and too , I dunno, even? Homemade, you get layers of the spices. Store bought, you get one layer, there’s no depth to it. Part of that is it being made in huge batches, and part is the longer time from jar to your mouth; so I can’t say it’s anything the makers have cheaped out on or anything. But it is not as good as what you make yourself (or someone’s grammy makes).
Also, marmite and applebutter on toast is absurd in how good it is. The savory and salty bang of marmite with a spoonful of sweet, spicy applebutter on top will make you want to slap yo mama. I find marmite and vegemite don’t do well on biscuits compared to toast, english muffins, or the like. Too much bread for it to really pop unless you do an entire spoonful, at which point it’s too much.
Apple butter is an underrated condiment. I used to eat it on pancakes instead of syrup as a kid, and I put it in oatmeal and such as an adult. I don’t have it often nowadays, but there’s a place that produces it and other fruit butters nearby, and there’s occasionally some other brands in stores and roadside shops.
For those that haven’t had it, I guess imagine baked apples or an apple dumpling but reduced down so it is super concentrated into something spreadable.
Cracker Barrel gives you biscuits before they bring out your meal and you can request Apple Butter for them. I think usually they bring out sausage gravy.
I remember the apple butter being ok, but nothing like the homemade stuff cooked over a fire and stirred continously for 12 hours.
No joke? I haven’t been to a cracker barrel in ages. I had no clue they offer it. Thanks :)
Yeah, it looks like they may charge for it now. It’s $.50 on their online menu under extras.
Eey, I make apple butter! It’s great. I do know some places you can buy it though…roadside stands! Farmer stalls or markets. Though those may be more common here, being the garden state. Still better making it at home, get to pick the apples and how much you let it cook down!
Have you tried Branston pickle in a cheese sandwich?
No, but I’ll be looking to see if I can obtain those. I really do love trying stuff like that. It doesn’t always turn out that I like it, but even a bad experience is a good experience, if you dig.
Awww yeah, the Publix two towns over has it. And I looked at the ingredients, I think I’m going to love it
It is a unique taste, like how marmite is. I would say worchestershire sauce hints mixed with sweet and sour veg. Great with a sharp chedder cheese
I’m eager to try it. Roads are screwed here currently, but I’m making a trip in a few days, and getting some ))
That description makes me more hyped, btw. It sounds amazing.
Oh no. Gotta set expectations low, so you aren’t disappointed :)
Oh, my fucking gods!
I’m taking a break from shoving a biscuit with cheese and the branston into my maw to say thank you.
This stuff is bonkers. Sweet, salty, tangy, hints of bitterness, and plenty of umami. It’s like the perfect flavor bomb.
This stuff could remove chowchow from its throne as the most versatile pickled product. It’s different from chowchow, and those differences are (I think) going to let it enhance more things as well as being amazing on its own.
Thank you so much for suggesting it!
Heh. Glad you liked it. It is unique for sure. I don’t think I have tried chowchow.
Its pretty dang common in the south! Youll find it along side every highway when travelling between states and Tennessee is pretty big on it
I can literally go to any diner around me and there will be individually packaged containers of apple butter, usually next to whatever little packages of jelly they have on offer. I’m sorry you’ve suffered without for so long not noticing them
Dude. Are you aware that the way you wrote that seems dickish as hell?
No? Wasn’t aware I needed to police my tone in a discussion about apple butter. The person I wrote it to seemed to really like it, so I was sorry they went so long not noticing it is, in fact, everywhere. I’m not sure exactly what part of my comment is setting people off, but it’s cool I guess.
Eh, there is a limit to how much any of us need to worry about tone for sure. That’s why I asked rather than assuming you were being a dick on purpose.
But the phrasing definitely comes off more sarcastic than sharing a regret about not having a chance to enjoy something.
No worries, you say you were being genuine, I believe you :)
That being said, it isn’t everywhere. It’s obviously not common in my local area, since I wouldn’t have made the comment if it was. That could be put off to rural and semi-rural areas not wanting to spend on those individual packets for another product. But it is also true of the nearest cities to me that I’ve spent enough time in to have sampled all the country food friendly diners and such. I wouldn’t expect to see it at something like a chain restaurant normally (though apparently cracker barrel does offer it!), but the kind of short order, soul food, and country cookin places, it’s definitely not the norm here. I’ve asked places if they have it before, so it isn’t like they had it but didn’t bring it automatically.
While you can go to a restaraunt/cafe and buy pancakes. I havent found a premade packet version that just needs warming up that isnt absolute shit.
Give me fresh or give me death!
Trader Joe’s has some fire freezer pancakes
Coffee. I used to be a coffee fiend, I drank up to 12-13 cups a day, and only stopped because it was worsening my anxiety. I live in a coffee producing country and learnt how to make a good cup in an espresso machine, even got all the doodads to make the process standardized and get the exact same cup every time.
I can only drink coffee made by select hands now. Everything else tastes like jet fuel, and it’s worse when travelling.
That sounds like an intense relationship you have with coffee. I have to admit, 2-3 a day and I get palpatations and am unable to sleep. I rarely drink it for the flavour
Oh I needed it for college. I was impatient and pushed myself too hard during my last 2 years, some weeks I slept fewer than 10 hours collectively.
I’ve since cut it almost entirely, and because of that my usual cup gives me the jitters. I still love coffee and would like nothing more than having one in the morning and one in the afternoon, but my body can’t take it anymore (nor can my mental health honestly). Aging sucks, lol.
Outside of the caffeine and kidney stone issues you must’ve been peeing every 30 minutes
Pretty much, lol
I make sure to never get attached to one brew so I can drink it anywhere, anytime. I’ll drink instant without hot water if I need to (and not just frappe.)
That’s… Probably not a bad idea, lol. I got too used to good things.
Don’t ever, under any circumstances, drink motorway service station coffee in France. It tastes like battery acid even if you’re used to shitty coffee.
Or america. Non specialty shops sell the worst cups I’ve ever had, and I’ve been to bottom of the barrel shops where I live.
Children.
My second kid was made at a Great Wolf Lodge in Sandusky, OH.
It sounds like it was quite the effort
Not much to it on my end. As a male, that is.
Dang, my condolences to your partner.
It’s not like it was a Motel 8.
But maybe it should have been, maybe it should have been…
Technically… you could buy them premade
Avocado shake, at least in the western world. Unless you come across one at an asian shake/milktea shop, and even then, that menu item is rare.
How do you make it?
Buckwheat kasha, you won’t find it even in a Slavic restaurant. It is a simple dish of cooked buckwheat and milk, with sugar added if one desires. Such a simple breakfast dish is sold nowhere to my knowledge.
It sounds like chinese congee, but with wheat instead of rice
I’ve never had buckwheat that wouldn’t have funky smell/aftertaste. It just weird all the time. Probably trying wrong brand or IDK. I’m slavic so my ancestors ate shitton of buckwheat, though it was almost non existent in my childhood. And now it’s weird ingredient I’m scared of :-D
Speculoos and jelly sandwiches. It’s possible they serve that in Europe somewhere, but you could never find that served in the US.
I’d like to be proven wrong though.
Speculoos
That sounds like a belgian thing. It’s gingerbread dust?
Sorry for not being clear, I meant the speculoos butter spread, most commonly Biscoff butter.
Chunky speculoos spread and strawberry spread is the way to go. I need to try it on brioche one of these days.
Ah yeah. I bought a jar of that once, and it’s uh, still in the cupboard as I’ve found the taste just too strong
Are hotels in the UK not equipped with toasters?
No, just a shitty kettle.
You’re supposed to wash it out after you shit in it
I would never. The next guest would want to savor my peaty aroma and be awed.
you love the sweet plastic taste and you know it!
Brother, we have all of those ingredients everywhere. We have a little British store run by expats who could get whatever packaged crumpet you use. Shit, I can make a batch of crumpets in about 15 minutes.
It’s not like a crazy recipe that needs balanced flavors to be done right. Like I’ve never had a good poutine outside of Quebec. It’s always sad beige gravy with the wrong seasonings or mozzarella or frozen fries or all of the above. It is never right.
What we can also talk about is local places making local dishes but they do it wrong and cheap or “good enough” and people come from abroad and try the dishes and think they’re mid because they went to the wrong place.
TL;DR: I love poutine.
/Rant
It’s not like a crazy recipe that needs balanced flavors to be done right.
We’re talking British cuisine here
You’ve set the bar way too low. You can’t buy peanut butter toast in grocery stores, either.
I would have said the same thing about PB&Js, too, except society is so depraved now that that’s no longer true.
Properly cooked hash browns. It takes too long for a restaurant to do it.
Disagree, mcdonalds does it perfect and I will die on this hill, or fight in this trench. Also their coffee is great. I am not paid by mcdonalds to shill their awful products
IMO a hash brown patty from Trader Joe’s is far better if it’s skillet-fried at home with a little bit of oil. It’s also far cheaper if you don’t need to eat on the go.
Their breakfast steak patty sandwiches though, no place makes it like them and I absolutely love them. I wish they made burgers with their steak patties, but that probably won’t happen.
Stuffing and mashed potatoes.
Most places have their stuffing way to moist. I want stuffing, not bread that looks like it was dropped in water. Boxed stuffing shouldn’t even be sold. It tastes like garbage.
Get some bread. Tear it up. Let it dry. Add some chicken broth. Add some seasoning. That means go to store and buy the different seasonings. Like garlic powder. Sage, thyme, etc.
Then put it on the oven. The moisture comes from gravy.
Mashed potatoes… Yeah most times people add way to much to the mashed potatoes.
Edit and for the gravy that means you make a chicken or a turkey you get the broth and you make the gravy.
in many places the stuffing is moist hecause itbus cooked in the actual bird
Marmite on Weetbix.
Ingredients:
- 1 Weetbix
- butter (lots)
- Marmite (lots)
Method:
Select a choice looking compressed wheat brick, apply a thick layer of butter, spread the Marmite across the layer of butter.This was a common school snack when I was growing up.
I’m gonna try this. Does the brick need to be wet or toasted?
But isn’t it better soaked in milk first?
When eating for breakfast, yes.
Not great in the lunch box, with the milk sloshing around and all
the other kids laughter was actually jealousy, he told himself
