southsamurai

Well, tbh, the world is an ugly place. The kind of friend you would kill or die for, and would do the same for you, that’s a powerful thing.

And yeah, dude was pretty fucking chilling. Loyal as it gets, but definitely one scary motherfucker. Strangely, as broken as he was, a really great dad and husband. I once saw him whack a guy in the teeth with a bottle over a spilled beer, but he cried like a baby when his kid was born. Which is a whole story on its own tbh.

It kinda depends.

Men can be incredibly intimate friends, sharing everything, having deep emotional bonds, and doing so in complete stereotype breaking ways like not making jokes of things, or playing it off, and being fully present and supportive directly.

It is not, however, the most common way men express friendship. Like, I’ve had male friends that would be ready to kill someone with me, but wouldn’t even think to offer a hug. I’m not even exaggerating, I had a bad breakup once, and a very good friend watched me cry, and asked me if I wanted to go kill her. He wasn’t joking, he said he knew a place we could bury her where nobody could find it, dead faced serious.

Which, tbh, did shock me out of crying.

But you’d be surprised how supportive men can be. Most of my friends over the years were not afraid to hug, to listen, and talk. It isn’t all blank faces and pats on the back

Then again, I tend to develop friendships slowly and value people that are emotionally open.

I’m not knocking the kind of friends that will give you a listen, offer you a beer, and then take you into the game room to blow up digital enemies. Or the ones that’ll get you drunk and let you cry it out that way. Or any other expression of support. Because a lot of men, that’s the kind of support they actually want, and some need.

See, there’s a certain degree of the whole stereotype of men not wanting to show emotion that isn’t just patriarchal bullshit. There’s still a connection to that, but it isn’t the only reason we stay as self contained as possible. Sometimes, if you let shit out at the wrong time, in the wrong way, it gets out of control. So having a buddy that’s going to stay calm and by doing so help you keep your shit together as you process in a healthier way, that’s as valuable as someone that’ll hug you and let you fall apart.

A lot of men, they’re also going to be your biggest hype man. The same dude that will stone faced listen and then pat you on the arm can be the one that tells you you’re a fucking boss, so don’t put up with that shit job, he knows a guy that can recognize your potential, or will drive your ass around town finding a better job, or give you a couch to crash on while you’re broke in between jobs.

The expression of friendship may not always look intimate, and it may not fit the definition of it being based on communication of personal thoughts and feelings. But sometimes you don’t need that kind of expression because you just get each other and words would devalue the connection.

Me? I’m a lucky motherfucker. My best friend is one of those guys that can do it all. His husband is pretty much the same, and also someone that’ll wrap you up in his arms and hold you up when you’re falling apart, and they’ve both done that for me. The guys from my support group are also the kind of friends that if you call one of them, all five of them show up on your porch ready to get you through whatever it is.

I try to be a good friend to all of them too. I would literally kill for my best friend and his husband. No doubt, no hesitation, there would be bodies on the ground if anyone ever goes after them. Last time someone laid a hand on my friend, it didn’t end well for them as it was. I’m also willing to drive my ass across three counties in the middle of the night when someone is in crisis, just like they are.

Men can be very intimate, in ways you wouldn’t expect. The key is to accept them as they are, and to recognize their expression of intimacy, friendship and love. You do that, and as long as they’re a decent person, you’ll be fine.

The younger guys are usually better at the emotional openness than us guys from gen-x and earlier, but there’s never been a complete lack of that kind of intimacy from men, it was just rarer. But us old farts have learned too. My dad is much more of an emotional connection to his friends and family than he was twenty years ago. But, there’s the flip side that some of the younger guys push the emotional intimacy too much, they treat it as a kind of mandatory thing rather than as something offered freely.

You asked about men, so that’s where I’m leaving it, without comparing it to women, but there are differences there, as well as similarities.

It depends.

Part of what makes a cologne or perfume really work is how it interacts with your own body.

There have been “tests” that indicate some do better than others specifically for attraction, but I’m dubious about the reproducibility.

In any case, I have a few that I receive consistent compliments on, particularly from women that ended up doing more than just sniffing me. From men too, as far as that goes, though none of them did more than sniff since that’s not my orientation.

The single most significant one has actually had strangers sniffing at me in places where you wouldn’t expect anyone to sniff you. Lagerfeld. Their standard cologne. It hasn’t been a month since a lady got uncomfortably close to me and said I smelled so good. My wife calls it the panty dropper. My dentist asked me what I had on back when I first started going to him. He wears it now, but it smells a little different on him.

I started using that back in high school. I had been doing the usual teenage boy stuff. Old spice, brut, avon brands, basically junk (except for one of the Avon, but I’ll get back to that). But my grandmother had one of those hyper sensitive noses, and started complaining about not being able to breathe through her nose and got involved in my scent choices lol.

Lagerfeld was my uncle’s cologne, that my aunt had picked out for him. She recommended Lagerfeld for me, and out of the various types they got me on a shopping trip, it was the one that I loved. It’s an amazing scent by itself, but on me it really is great, it takes on this extra woody note with a hint of musk that isn’t there in the bottle. I really could tell a page of stories about being sniffed and followed around when wearing it, it’s fucking crazy.

Anyway, it didn’t bother my grandmother’s nose, and everyone liked it. The girl I was dating at the time made note of how good or was compared to the junk I’d had before.

I have met a few guys over the years that it didn’t smell right on, but none where it smelled bad unlike some popular scents like polo that can end up smelling like cat spray on some guys.

Now, back to Avon. They have a scent called wild country that is very spicy. It really is a tad too heavy overall, but if you go light with it, spraying into the air and walking into it, then moving as it dries, it can be nice. There’s hints of amber, sandalwood, maybe some cedar in there too. But it’s mostly like allspice to my nose, right out of the bottle. It was a runner up with my grandmother, but if I went too heavy, it was all she could smell.

There’s always cool water. It gets a bit over citrusy on me for my preferences, but not offensively so. And I’ve never smelled it on anyone where it smelled bad at all. It’s a bit cheesy because it got too popular and every frat boy would bathe in it, but if applied properly, it’s a fairly clean scent.

Aqua di Gio is one that’s been reliable over the years for me. Not my favorite, but sometimes you want a change just for the heck of it. It’s floral, with hints of citrus. On me, it ends up muted, like it’s been sitting on a shirt in the sun all day and is about gone. But I’ve smelled it on other guys over the years, and it tends to hold its own scent more than most, so it’s one I tend to recommend guys try out if they’re having trouble with cologne not smelling right on them.

But, again for me, Lagerfeld tops everything. To an extent that I sometimes won’t wear it out. My wife isn’t the jealous sort, but even she gets annoyed when there’s one of those extra effective moments of it. And I’m not actually a big fan of being touched by strangers, which has happened before because of the scent (also my beard, and also my shoulders. Women can cross boundaries about that kind of thing where men wouldn’t. Like, I’ve never had a dude cross the line and touch my beard, but I’ve had a double handful of women do it over the years).