What is going on with men that there’s this reverse saved by the prince(ss) narrative happening so much now? Waiting to be saved by a Knight in Shining Armor (from a crappy or mediocre life) was an expectation we had to spend years on breaking in women. And now we’re seeing it in men.
“If I could just find someone…” everything in existence will then be ok. (Or it’ll be mostly the same and you’ll be unreasonably expecting too much of a partner who will then leave you because you failed to work on your personal crap.)
How little is there in your life that you have nothing else to do but to get outwardly violent? How few coping skills are being taught as we grow up that there’s no self rescuing here?
Granted, there’s destruction aimed inward (suicide) and then there’s destruction that wants to take some of life with you when you go. The latter could be seen as an extension of the former, sure. But it’s not an either or thing, many people keep on keeping on without ever going to either.
A lot of people are hitting mid-life from the first western generation significantly less well-off than their parents. They grew up with expectations set by their environment which they’re now realizing isn’t realistic at all. It’s not really their fault for having those expectations, it was a reality they witnessed with their own eyes.
I think this fairly nebulous anxiety over the disconnect between expectation and reality is the root cause of a lot of various flavours of anti-social behavior. It’s just a roulette spin of who they end up blaming.
Andrew Tate misogyny, MAGA fascism, Xenophobia, Anti-vaxxers, flat earthers, full-on neo nazis etc etc, I think the surprising uptake of these otherwise fringe ideas are just people subconsciously grasping for explanation of why the world (and by extension their lives) “just isn’t right”.
So yah, layer than onto regular mid-life crises, it’s a powder keg.
And I think this is where so much MAGA support comes from. They heavily lean into acknowledgement that things AREN’T good. They’re BAD. You’re NOT CRAZY for thinking they’re FUCKED, and the urgency you feel is APPROPRIATE.
In the US at least, it’s the right offering radical change. It’s fucking idiotic change guaranteed to blow up in your face before the leopards come to chew it off… but goddamnit it’s radical. It at least matches the energy level of the angst. The Dems are offering piecemeal incremental bland realistic changes that while certainly for the better, they won’t rock the boat too hard.
I think that’s always been “on the menu” for people who are deeply unhappy and can’t figure out who to blame. “Going postal” isn’t a new concept.
I don’t expect the biggest factor to be an increase of the likelihood that a mentally anguished person will decide to mass-murder-suicide-by-cop, I think that the pool of mentally anguished people has just grown so much.
I do think that boomers were one of the first generations to take a step in addressing it in some way. At least that is my impression from watching TV/movies; no boomers I was close to had the kind of income/insurance that would pay for therapists. Prior generations seem just have their men suffer in utter silence or be declared un-men.
I’m Gen X, I knew of a few people that were getting therapy/medication, but they were considered problem children by their parents/teachers/administrators. I don’t know if they continued, and I don’t know how many generations since have fared. I think there has been some efforts to shelter people more, but I don’t know what kind of coping mechanisms people have when mom and dad are no longer there to shield them from life.
There seems to be few healthy (group) outlets for men to really turn to, though. Lots of things seem to get sublimated into spending of one kind or another - working on cars/trucks, guns, grilling meat, golf, are deemed acceptable if done on the weekend. Maybe a little bit of games. But most of these activities tend to be rather surface. Men tend to have less friends than women, and they really encouraged to cultivate them, in my experience (and societal norms seem to reflect this and/or reinforce this from what I can tell).
Michael Moore pointed this out over two decades ago, even if it was not gendered - the mass decline in activities like bowling, civic engagement, etc…was quite evident long before the Columbine shooting…
I don’t know, but I suspect it’s a combo of the following:
No great options for being successful (it’s a lot of luck), suppression of all sorts of things such as mental health, toxic tribalism, and options for people (internet dating, friend groups, and more openness about sexuality different from the “norms”).
What is going on with men that there’s this reverse saved by the prince(ss) narrative happening so much now? Waiting to be saved by a Knight in Shining Armor (from a crappy or mediocre life) was an expectation we had to spend years on breaking in women. And now we’re seeing it in men.
“If I could just find someone…” everything in existence will then be ok. (Or it’ll be mostly the same and you’ll be unreasonably expecting too much of a partner who will then leave you because you failed to work on your personal crap.)
How little is there in your life that you have nothing else to do but to get outwardly violent? How few coping skills are being taught as we grow up that there’s no self rescuing here?
Granted, there’s destruction aimed inward (suicide) and then there’s destruction that wants to take some of life with you when you go. The latter could be seen as an extension of the former, sure. But it’s not an either or thing, many people keep on keeping on without ever going to either.
My theory:
A lot of people are hitting mid-life from the first western generation significantly less well-off than their parents. They grew up with expectations set by their environment which they’re now realizing isn’t realistic at all. It’s not really their fault for having those expectations, it was a reality they witnessed with their own eyes.
I think this fairly nebulous anxiety over the disconnect between expectation and reality is the root cause of a lot of various flavours of anti-social behavior. It’s just a roulette spin of who they end up blaming.
Andrew Tate misogyny, MAGA fascism, Xenophobia, Anti-vaxxers, flat earthers, full-on neo nazis etc etc, I think the surprising uptake of these otherwise fringe ideas are just people subconsciously grasping for explanation of why the world (and by extension their lives) “just isn’t right”.
So yah, layer than onto regular mid-life crises, it’s a powder keg.
And I think this is where so much MAGA support comes from. They heavily lean into acknowledgement that things AREN’T good. They’re BAD. You’re NOT CRAZY for thinking they’re FUCKED, and the urgency you feel is APPROPRIATE.
In the US at least, it’s the right offering radical change. It’s fucking idiotic change guaranteed to blow up in your face before the leopards come to chew it off… but goddamnit it’s radical. It at least matches the energy level of the angst. The Dems are offering piecemeal incremental bland realistic changes that while certainly for the better, they won’t rock the boat too hard.
God. Damn. That is well said. And more succinct than I ever said it.
Well stated. But it still doesn’t explain why blowing up a bunch of strangers as you suicide out is the pick of the day.
Yeah I kinda glanced off that…
I think that’s always been “on the menu” for people who are deeply unhappy and can’t figure out who to blame. “Going postal” isn’t a new concept.
I don’t expect the biggest factor to be an increase of the likelihood that a mentally anguished person will decide to mass-murder-suicide-by-cop, I think that the pool of mentally anguished people has just grown so much.
I’m sure that generation after generation neglecting men’s mental health hasn’t helped
I do think that boomers were one of the first generations to take a step in addressing it in some way. At least that is my impression from watching TV/movies; no boomers I was close to had the kind of income/insurance that would pay for therapists. Prior generations seem just have their men suffer in utter silence or be declared un-men.
I’m Gen X, I knew of a few people that were getting therapy/medication, but they were considered problem children by their parents/teachers/administrators. I don’t know if they continued, and I don’t know how many generations since have fared. I think there has been some efforts to shelter people more, but I don’t know what kind of coping mechanisms people have when mom and dad are no longer there to shield them from life.
There seems to be few healthy (group) outlets for men to really turn to, though. Lots of things seem to get sublimated into spending of one kind or another - working on cars/trucks, guns, grilling meat, golf, are deemed acceptable if done on the weekend. Maybe a little bit of games. But most of these activities tend to be rather surface. Men tend to have less friends than women, and they really encouraged to cultivate them, in my experience (and societal norms seem to reflect this and/or reinforce this from what I can tell).
Michael Moore pointed this out over two decades ago, even if it was not gendered - the mass decline in activities like bowling, civic engagement, etc…was quite evident long before the Columbine shooting…
I don’t know, but I suspect it’s a combo of the following:
No great options for being successful (it’s a lot of luck), suppression of all sorts of things such as mental health, toxic tribalism, and options for people (internet dating, friend groups, and more openness about sexuality different from the “norms”).