My girlfriend and I are planning to move in together in ~3 months.
I own a small apartment in Amsterdam, my mortgage, heating, water and electricity is about 2000 Euro a month, and I earn 30% more than she does.
Some context: Amsterdam is damn expensive and in an housing crisis, since living here she’s been paying about 1000/m to rent a room. Both of us earn quite well and money isn’t tight
What is a fair way to split costs? I’ve heard everything from she should live here for free because I was paying for everything anyway to we should split everything 50/50, and I’m not sure what is fair.
I don’t think 50/50 is fair, because the way I see it, I’m going to get back a fair amount of the money I pay to my mortgage when I sell the apartment.
So what is fair? My gut feeling is something like we split the heating, electricity, groceries etc. 50/50. And she pays say 500 Euro a month for living here (less than half what she’s used to paying in rent)
Your proposal seems fair to me.
My wife and I lived together for a bit back when we were dating. We did some math:
Combined rent + $savings = my old rent + her old rent
Then we split the combined rent roughly 1/3 - 2/3 (my salary was higher than hers at the time) so that we were both paying less than we had been before.
We split utilities 50/50 which was kind of a mistake IMO – I regret the accounting chore that it created. One of us would pay the rent by hand (USA, so paper check to the landlord), but utilities were on auto-pay from my account. We’d have to tally up utilities and add it or subtract it to the rent in order to reimburse the other person when they paid the rent.
Instead of that nonsense, I’d suggest estimating your utilities and split that figure 50/50 - then maybe look at it again once a year in case costs change.
Holy shit. I’m worried about everyone suggesting she pay no rent.
Oh, I think that advice comes from a good place, it’s just misguided. People look at it and say “your partner shouldn’t be your cash cow”.
OTOH, I think it’s important for both people to be contributing to the household financially. That helps keep a certain balance in the relationship even if it’s just a token amount.
I think it’s more important that they come up with a system that they both think is fair. If moving in together leaves one person feeling like they’re being taken for a ride, it’ll wreck the relationship.
Stumbled into c/relationshipmath over here
Not a financial advisor so take my answer with a massive chunk of salt.
My suggestion would be to get a joint account. If you are comfortable paying all the bills you can also have it overdraft to your account in case of emergencies. The move money into it monthly for bills. I would round up on your bills so you could build a little nest egg at the same time. You move everything that you have been paying into it. And ask her to move what she can into it. If she feels comfortable paying 50%, then do that. If things go sideways, split any extra money by the percentage she is paying. Then if things do go sideways then you can take your piece and have a nice vacation. If they don’t, you have nice rainy day fund.
This varies by person, and he best person to talk about this is your girlfriend.
With that said, I’d do half what she paid in rent for mortgage (of half the mortgage payment, whichever is smaller), and all other expenses split down the middle. She would pay rent if she lived elsewhere, the way I see it, her contributing to the mortgage is a deeply discounted rent.
This might not work for you, you need to talk. Me and my now husband when we first started setup a joint account, and each sent half of an agreed amount there every month, or as needed. We didn’t make similar incomes, it fluctuated back and forth through the years for both of us. Some people would think it was unfair for us to pay the same. It worked for us, and both of us were happy with the arranjement, it might not be the best option for you.
It’s up to both of you. Don’t rely on social norms because it almost always leads to disagreement or when something changes someone feels it’s unfair.
Sit down together and decide what’s fair for your current situation and revisit it every time you adjust the budget. That can be as often as every week or month. Don’t lock yourselves into 1 agreement for ever. Expect it to be fluid and change as your financial situation changes.
As long as you’re both happy with it, it’s fair.
if she helps pay the mortgage or renovations or anything that increases the value of the house she gets to own part of the house otherwise its completely unfair, split utilities according to income and thats it.
Probably best to let her dictate the price though since there is such an imbalance of power at play
There are a million possibilities and no single right answer. Strangers on the internet are not going to be able to tell you. Strangers on the internet certainly don’t know the dynamic between the two of you.
Write down the possibilities (you’ve mentioned some in your post). Think of what seems fair to you. Show her the possibilities and talk about it and agree something.
My wife came from a family that considered it the man’s duty to pay for everything and that women have to protect themselves from exploitation by guarding their own money. Conversations about sharing expenses were very unwelcome and showing love meant spending a lot on luxury gifts. She used to earn a third of what i did and had more disposable income than me since bills left me with little disposable. You could end up with 2 people at different levels of affluence in the same house if you are very defensive and financially isolationist. It’s taken a long time to change that to a collaboration to work through life together with shared resources.
The most “scientific” way in a full commitment would be to put an equal % of both salaries into a “bills” account, then put how much you both want to save into a savings account and then divide the leftover disposable equally between yourselves.
Or if you’re too early to be fully committed then you can start with continuing to pay for everything or ask her for a flat amount contribution.
Just know that money is one of the biggest sources of friction on a relationship and most people at not on the same page. It takes work and talking to get to the same page (that means talking to her… Not us).
I agree it wouldn’t be right for her to pay off your mortgage. But I think either 50/50 or proportionate to income (i.e. 1.3/1) splitting of bills, groceries, and other costs incurred by the both of you, is reasonable. But you’re in relationship, not a contract, so do discuss this with her and see what the both of you would prefer.
I always wonder about that. It seems like a non-issue to me. You’re just paying it, same as always, and the other can contribute when or if they can, what they can. Running costs that do increase with two people, like electricity or water, should be easy to just split some way, since the other’s no longer paying for their rent and utilities.
But why does it have to be some set sum or percentage or whatever? Why does it have to be static in the first place? Why not just let them contribute what they can, when they can, since the money’s not tight?
But of course the real correct answer will always be different for each relationship. And only revealed by talking and assuming each feel comfortable being honest and vocal about their thoughts and neither gets steamrolled or gets left with reservations or doubts about the outcome.
I am not sure the way Amsterdam law sees it but in a lot of countries if shes paying some of the mortgage and she lives there for a certain length of time she becomes part owner of said condo. Best to get legal advice as if you break up you may be forced to sell and split part of the sale.
Like others have said, one option is to have a chat with her.
Another option could be coming up with a percentage that fits your 30% increase in earnings:
Assuming you start with a 50/50 split, we can add a 30% increase to your share:
0.5 * (1 + 0.3) = 0.65This 30% increase leads to a 65/35 ratio, where you would be paying 65%, and she 35%.
When my wife (at the time girlfriend) moved in, we split the interest portion of the mortgage payment 50/50. Principle was 100% me. Utilities food and supplies were evenly split. Every bolted down upgrade I paid for 100%, but we decided to split paint since it mattered more to her.
The idea was if she bolted, I would mostly be left with what I paid for. If we got married (we did), we’d combine finances and it wouldn’t matter anyway.
that still means she helped pay off the mortgage, and she should accordingly own a part of the house even if she “bolted”
The logic is that she didn’t pay any equity into the house. That makes the situation similar to two people sharing the monthly rent on a rented apartment except they’re paying a bank and not the landlord.
it’s the cost of purchasing a house. Two people paying a landlord is more similar to having two girlfriends who pay off the mortgage. This is more like one person sharing the cost of the loan on a house they won’t get to keep.
Ok, but like it also doesn’t seem fair for the non-owner romantic partner to just get free rent, no?
This is more like one person sharing the cost of the loan on a house they won’t get to keep.
If the owner sells the property, they will not get back any of the money spent on interest. Thats the point. The assumption is that the principal is the best representation of the portion that the property owner gets to keep.
well to me it doesn’t seem fair for the non-owner to help pay off the house and the other getting to own all of it.
The price for owning that house is not just the loan but the interest as well. A home is more than a financial investment, but a necessity. Imagine buying a car that you let your SO use but insisting that she pay a quarter of the cost because the car loses half its value as soon as you drive it off the lot and it’s only fair that she pay half of that money thats “lost” but then keeping all the money once you sell the car to yourself
A car loses its value when you drive it off the lot because it’s a depreciating asset. That money doesn’t go to the bank or the owner. It just vanishes.
Besides, if your partner only helped pay the interest portion of the auto loan (which is what I’m proposing), the depreciating value of the car would be fully felt by you when you sell the car. They would just be out a few months of interest regardless of the sustained value of the car.
Homes typically increase in value or at least hold value. When you sell your home, you won’t get back any of the money you gave to the bank as interest, but in theory everything else including your down payment will be returned to you.
So to me it makes sense that while a partner is living with you and if they are committed to helping pay for utilities and whatnot, they can also contribute to the cost of living at the home. I believe helping to pay the interest is a fair and equitable way to do that.
I mean when you’re renting a place you’re more than likely helping the owner pay off their loan anyway. It’s just another step removed.
When you sell your home, you won’t get back any of the money you gave to the bank as interest, but in theory everything else including your down payment will be returned to you.
and your partner would get nothing if she “bolted” even though she paid money so you could have it
I mean when you’re renting a place you’re more than likely helping the owner pay off their loan anyway. It’s just another step removed.
and you think thats fair??? “It’s a bit like I’m the landlord and my partner is the tenant” is the argument I’m trying to make
Yea I like this.
This sounds like a conversation to have with her, not strangers on the Internet
I’d see someplace close to 50-50. Maybe you cover a little bit more because you’ll get some of the money back when she moves out.Maybe I should say if she moves out.
No matter how you do it put it in writing. Let me state that again , put it in writing. And yes, I know there are certain people who not listening or not paying attention so I’m gonna say it a third time: put it in writing.
Do not assume anything do not use verbal agreements. You will get screwed. It’s not a matter of if it’s when. You will get screwed. write everything down. Who covers what who owes what how the bills are going to be split.
Edit: and just to make a slight addition here. When I say everything I mean everything. Including how long she gets to live there for. under what circumstances and what conditions. Who owns the apartment. Everything. I don’t know about where you live, but here once a person lives in a certain place a certain period of time they are called a the resident. trying to kick them out even if you own the place is a pain in the ass. So write everything down no exceptions.
