I had quite a shitty life when I was younger and I feel like it’s come to define me. Since I had no control over what my actual life looked like, I instead chose to define my identity by what I wanted it to look like, and what I would have done had I had the freedom to choose. So I based my identity on my made up story instead of my actual story.
FFW to today and I finally have a lot more say over what my life actually looks like. I feel like those past wishes are kinda burdening me now. I feel indebted to my past self to finally do those things I wished I could do back then in order to realize that story that I had always identified with. Because if I don’t, there will be nothing in my past for me to identify with me other than that shitty life that I didn’t choose.
But I’ve realized this is a mistake. I’ve realized I don’t ever plan my future without first thinking of my past. This can’t be good. By doing that, I am being held captive by my own history which I didn’t chose. Playing catch-up with the past to fulfill the plans I based my identity on might feel very right, but it would cost a lot of time. I’d never catch up with my peers who are content with their historu and living in the present.
How do I unlearn this? It feels so deeply rooted in the way I see myself that it’s gonna need some psycho shit like shrooms or something to even make my mind aware of what it’s doing
Edit: I do plan on going to counselling but I wanted to see what Lemmy thinks first
tl/dr: I identiy with some of what you say. Counseling might help but don’t expect an easy panacea. I busy myself with positive things to crowd out the negative when all else fails, and although it is hard for me to sustain that effort in my current situation, when I do that stuff it does work.
The weight of my past experiences became a burden that I haven’t been able to really manage for a long time now: traumatic childhood coupled with and exacerbated by undiagnosed ‘autism’ - in quotation marks because although it is an important part of my story, and an accurate dianosis, it is a bit of a ‘diagnosis du jour’, and nowhere near the self-image I have constructed and I struggle with how I see myself. I very much identify with your experience of having an inaccurate self-image. I came up with reasons as to why I suffered burn out that just weren’t real and need to try and deconstruct that story that I have told myself.
I understand what has happened in my life, and why and how I have ended up where I have, but that isn’t in and of itself enough for me to manage. I personally need quite a large and regimented daily program of stuff (none of it too fancy - exercise, things that give me purpose, and ultimately crowd out the negative things) just to stay on an even keel. I am often not able to sustain the effort and struggle. I need more help than is available in my current situation, and so I am not able to contribute in the manner I can - I am normally a very high achiever.
Counseling can help, but my experience was that finding a counselor that was good for me wasn’t straightforward. In fact after lots of trying I hardly managed it; one helped me through a particularly difficult period, but that was it. I am far from ‘cured’ in any meaningful sense at all.
Oh, I definitely feel for you. Best of luck with dealing with it
Honestly, if you have someone you trust to tripsit for you, then shrooms might not be a bad idea as a supplement to actual counseling.
For me personally, psychedelics have been perfect for this sort of thing. They turn your default mode network to soup for a few hours. In my own experience, this results in honest and useful introspection because it enables you to think about things from perspectives you’ve previously trained your sober mind to never give fair consideration to.
Yeah, I was wondering if shrooms would be good for this. It’s a shame it’s such a tricky thing to make happen, I have neither anyone I’m close enough with to trip sit me, nor a place to buy the shrooms right now…
Any idea about alternative ways to suppress your DMN and make some things click?
Counseling is the way to go. It’s going to take a lot of time, a lot of opening up, and being honest with your counselor and yourself. Don’t expect to see results immediately. You will get frustrated with the process. But you have to keep going.
Also, don’t be afraid to find a new counselor if your current one isn’t working for you. And only you will know what that means. But when you find the right one, it will make a huge difference for you.
At the same time, you may need to give your therapist multiple chances. What I mean by that is that you will not always see eye to eye with them. And that’s okay; especially if they’re challenging you to move past something big. But if you constantly feel something is off, then trust your gut. This is about what’s best for you.
I genuinely wish you the very best of luck.
Thank you
You didn’t choose the life you lived in the past, so you have no obligation to let it define you. What you choose to do, “going forward” is what you can base your identity on. There is a period of transition ahead of you, while you let your “new past” evolve out of your present actions…but eventually you will have enough of it behind you to honestly say that your own choices are what define you, now.
Do some stuff
