Tldr at the bottom.
No real names, sorry. I (28M) am a department lead at my job, Jane (25F) is also in a similar position in another department. John (~23M) is in my department working under me. I am his direct supervisor. I am on good terms with John.
A few weeks ago, Jane has been reaching out to me for casual conversation unprompted and will come get me for any work related cross department needs no matter how minor. I can clearly tell she is interested in me as nobody is that persistent with casual conversation or finding ways to interact if they weren’t. She has told me I am her favorite person to work with even though I barely know her.
Jane is cute and also hilarious, I wouldn’t mind dating her and have considered it if we end up being a good match. So far so good anyway.
Bring in my coworker John. John is an interesting character. Funny guy, good heart, openly a furry, Bisexual leans gay, and rascal like personality. John also has depression and sees a therapist. He openly hates his job even to his own coworkers dissatisfaction. We don’t deal with the best of work, but it still gets old hearing it for everyone. John is also easily distracted to the point of causing issues with his work performance.
I like john, he stresses me out at times but I try to be patient as I know he lives a rough life. He will confide in me often about his issues. Most recently he had a episode to where he got so distracted his partner was doing all the work and the partner snapped at him. I had to talk to both of them, one about his yelling even if justified and John with his lack of focus.
My discussion with John turned out alright, he hates his job and wants to leave but appreciates me. The only reason he stays he tells me is because of his interest in Jane. He has apparently asked her out before and she said she would. Don’t think they have yet. They are friends to my knowledge.
Obviously, I don’t want to touch this problem with a 10 ft pole from a job perspective. I like Jane and I am damn well certain she likes me as well from how she interacts with me and I believe that will interfere with John’s life even if I do nothing. John is a good guy that is teetering on the edge of mental stability and I have no desire to not only break his trust in his mind by going to “steal his girl” after he told me about his desire for her, but also push him over the edge.
I don’t think she is giving up either. So what should I do?
Tldr: cowork likes me, I like her, other coworker I am in charge of likes her and has gotten a yes from her when asking her out but no date yet. Coworker has depression and ended up telling me about his desire for her recently. Doing nothing is not an option as she pursues me. He persues her. Me dating her would likely cause him to meltdown. What to do?
I should clarify, it’s not your fault you know these things, but he needs to learn that enough bosses won’t be understanding that he should learn to curate the aspects of himself that he professionally displays.
Having good and amicable professional relationships is awesome. My coworkers know that I’m into bicycles, they don’t know that the bike shop I volunteered at was explicitly anarchist. They know I’m married, they don’t know I’m polyamorous. He needs to learn to find a level of sharing that can keep him safe, because elsewhere in the thread you mention he’s on the verge of disciplinary action.
You seem to have professional boundaries as well, and I think that yours are totally reasonable. A friend of mine is a manager of software developers and she has similar boundaries to you with her subordinates (she describes her job as basically being a kindergarten teacher for adults), but if you have to discipline John, that closeness will bite back.
And it’s good that they seem to actually be on good terms with each other, though she still may have given him the old pocket veto.
Have a conversation with John, make it clear you aren’t disciplining him, but attempting to help him in his career, because this oversharing is going to fuck him hard someday if he doesn’t get it under control. It’ll be a lot easier of a pill to swallow from a boss he likes and respects than from one who brings in HR on his first week. He should know you’re doing this specifically because you think he’s a good guy and you want what’s best for your subordinates.
For what it’s worth it sounds like you quite like this lady and like nothing you do is going to avoid a mess, so yeah have fun with that. I don’t think John is going to avoid pain here. Both from what you described of that crush and from what you’ve described of him possibly needing a PIP. It sucks, and it really sucks for you. But fr, act like he didn’t tell you about Jane and pretend you forgot. It’s probably the only winning move here even if it sucks. Well, that and posting follow ups. Posting follow ups as things continue is the ultimate winning move.
“He needs to learn to find a level of sharing that can keep him safe, because elsewhere in the thread you mention he’s on the verge of disciplinary action.” Agreed, he overshares way too much and it is going to bite him on the ass at some point.
My closeness with my team is unavoidable and is better I lean into it. We work long shifts and I must interact with them constantly. Managing the children as a kindergarten teacher becomes a lot easier when they like you personally.
“But fr, act like he didn’t tell you about Jane and pretend you forgot. It’s probably the only winning move here even if it sucks.” I don’t that will fly sadly. He has mentioned it twice now.
“Posting follow ups as things continue is the ultimate winning move.” You just want to know how this nonsense plays out, don’t you? lol