I’ll go first…after 10 years of speculating in the market (read: gambling in high risk assets) I realized I shouldn’t ever touch a brokerage account in my lifetime. A monkey would have made better choices than I did. Greed has altered the course of life many times over. I am at an age where I may recover from my actions over the decades, but it has taken its toll. I am frugal and have a good head on me, but having such impulsivity in financial instruments was not how I envisioned my adulthood. Its a bitter pill to swallow, since money is livelihood of my family, but I need to “invest” all I have into relationships, meaningful moments, and fulfilling hobbies.
For me, it was “saying no doesn’t make me a bad person.” I was raised around extremely Christian people who emphasized that you should be there for everyone, even at the expense of self.
The problem is, people eventually take advantage of you. Also, when you finally say “no” to them, they act as though you’re a terrible person.
I had this recently. My parents wanted me to make a full hour round trip drive across town to pick them up in the middle of the night so they could save $50 on a taxi. I said, “No,” as I have kids to look after now, and my mom launched into how I’m not family first anymore and after all the things she did for me as a kid, she can’t depend on me to pick her up.
I stuck to my guns though. They conned my brother with the same story, but I set a boundary.
Wow, the “family first” remark, while you’re taking care of your kids, gets me. That’s so familiar.
It’s as if people hearing “no” from you, when you would normally just cave in and do whatever was requested, is an act of aggression from people. It’s strange… they become so hateful.
Good on you for sticking with your boundaries!
I try to remind myself that when I do say yes, they’re never quite as happy/appreciative/etc. as I expected or hoped for.
I try to please the people but the people aren’t even pleased, ugh.
“Yo, you could be at least a little happier and grateful about it, you know I could be {doing something else that I actually enjoy}, I’m just doing this for you!”
This is similar to “be a soldier and suck it up”. I used to keep my objections to myself and go along with things. This doesn’t make your feelings go away, instead it makes resentment build up along with passive aggression. I now speak up but do so reasonably nicely.
I once had an Excedrin get stuck in my throat sideways. That was a pretty uncomfortable several hours of my life.
You can do everything right that people taught you. But you only start living when you make mistakes, fuck up, and find the places where you belong, and a picture perfect life doesn’t bring you happiness; it’s rather shallow and lonely.
That paired with the realization that my mental disabilities will make me lonely for the rest of my life and there’s only so much I can do about it without having breakdowns.
“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness, that is life.”
- Jean-Luc Picard
Since no one on here will ever know me…
It’s accepting that I have autism and that having autism is ok. My mom used “autistic” as an insult against me, the first time I remember was from age 5 as an attempt to control behavior she saw as undesirable. Running circles outside until I wore the grass out and flapping my hands about was something I needed to feel ashamed about according to her. And so I hid that and everything else she criticized so hard that I couldn’t accept that the reason I struggled so hard with a lot of things in my life wasn’t because I was just some innate failure but because I had an unaddressed condition that was she not only refused to help with but actively made worse.
To this day I still cannot do things like make eye contact, or tolerate being touched. But I’ve learned to not only accept myself for who I am, but accept that little boy who never understood why his own mother never seemed to be able to love him.
I have to force myself to make eye contact when talking. I usually look away when talking, it helps me think. Some people think you aren’t being sincere but oh well.
💔
That I didn’t know who I was. My lack of self awareness hampered my growth trajectory, my maturity, and relationships. My first failed marriage was a pinnacle of this issue. Though, fast forward 5 years, I’m a vastly different person, know who I am and what I want and where I want to end up. I feel guilty for my ex wife and the impact I had on them. I hope they’re happier where ever they may be.
That sounds super healthy actually. Good outlook to have. We all make mistakes, what matters is if we learned from them.
Self discovery - the journey of a lifetime
Know thyself…congrats. I can say with certainty that the guilt of affecting ones close to you will never leave you. Light comes from darkness.
That I actually do have a bad temper and do get angry very easily, that my anger does not justify my verbal/physical reactions (nor was I ‘right’ just because I was angry) and that these reactions will hurt those I care about/those I don’t care about but still didn’t deserve my violence, which is a surefire way to end up in jail (perhaps) and in Hell (more likely).
For everyone who has similar issues, try to remember two things:
- Ambiguous behaviour does not mean aggressive behaviour.
- The flesh is weak. If you, in your anger, start a fight and perhaps just push someone and they crack their head and die/lose function, you’ll never live it down, you will always be the guy who killed someone in anger (and not even righteous anger, you’re just temperamental). And it can happen very quickly too! A good man cannot live with that, only a hell-bound one can, so either you’ll be oppressed by your guilt or you’ll realize you’ve lost your humanity and you’re a full on psycho.
I needed to read this
If you’re gonna break the law, be smart about it. In the time it takes you to do it the right way, you probably will have these feelings pass. If not… get that shitter.
For me it was the discovery that my parents were shitty people on the narcissism spectrum. I had no clue, because when you grow up in a toxic environment, it’s your “normal” and all you know.
That life is truly a neverending struggle. Sure, you get to enjoy some of that struggle, and you can take a break every now and then. Nevertheless, the only time you’re truly free from it is when you’re dead.
No, I don’t plan to end it immaturely. Please don’t put me on suicide watch. I still have my people to take care of. 😅
Me too, thanks.
Life would be boring and meaningless without some struggle. Would you like to play a game where you just constantly win without even trying? Boring.
There’s a difference between “win without even trying” and “barely holding up”
Of course
I truly wish you the least boring and most meaningful life possible. May you gag on your own medicine for the rest of your years.
I guess it sounded harsher than I intended. Some people get way more struggle than their share and I wish it wasn’t that way. What I posted above is what I tell myself sometimes when I’m feeling exhausted. Life truly is a never ending struggle, but I try to not fall into despair over it.
I dissociate and fawn pretty much constantly in most social situations. I do not feel in control. What most people know me as is a bunch of trauma responses. I feel like I’m watching myself have conversations and making “decisions” from another room.
It took me a long time to admit this to myself.
I have this too, I have some friends that I can be myself with and some other people that my trauma response just kicks in and I become non confrontational people pleaser. Im starting to notice it more and trying to not do it.
holy shit, u put it better than i could, this is exactly what i have been grappling with lately and i have no idea how to fix it
If I understand correctly, fawning is people pleasing to an excess because you’re afraid of the potential response. I’ve had trouble saying “no” for a long ass time, and have been bending over backwards to accomodate other people, at my expense, completely disregarding my own comfort and preferences. I think that’s part of the same mechanic. I slowly realized other people mostly place their own needs first, and somehow find themselves legitimate when asking the other party to “meet them halfway”. So I’ve been trying to emulate this. Does this ring a bell to you ?
Do you manage to better “stand your ground” now that you’re aware of the fawning ?
Only really just started to notice I’m doing it constantly. Not much luck or strategy so far
Well that’s certainly a good first step. I’d like to encourage you to consider yourself first, and every feeling you have as valid. YMMV but this is what helps me counter the otherwise instinctive fawning.
Stop having social situations by staying in the basement. All better!
I’ve started noticing that I’m echoing some of the bad habits of my father, either behaviorally or genetically, I’m not sure which. I’m determined to never go down that path because I’ve seen what it’s done to our family. I’ve made some changes that will hopefully head that off. If those don’t help, there’s always professional help.
Still, depressing to realize.
Similar boat. It helps to have someone who is willing to (kindly and patiently) call you out on it, with the understanding that it’s what you want them to do. Good luck, stay strong and be confident that acknowledging the issue and wanting to change are huge steps you’ve already taken
Thank you! Good luck to you too :)
I feel you. I have to keep reminding myself that a lot of my anxiety isn’t mine - it’s my mom’s. I just inherited the behaviors that she picked up, that in turn were created in reaction to my (long-gone) toxic grandfather’s abuse.
Generational trauma probably lurks behind all of us, deeprooted and insidious, propping up maladaptive behaviors that go unexamined simply because they are considered “normal” in our families.
That I come from a highly dysfunctional family and my entire personality is a reaction to them. I knew they were dysfunctional but I was in denial about their impact. Connecting with my true self had been a bitch.
None of my hobbies will last as long as I want and thats okay
I’ve come to appreciate being a jack of all trades
The realization of how truely alone I am when everything started collapsing after our house was sold and how my parents who supposedly were suppose to love me, don’t love me and how I do have daddy issues because of this and I am not exactly as strong mentally as I thought of myself to be.
I need to get a grip when driving and not let others upset me so easily.
7Hey fellow road rager! I too suffer from this aillment while knowing at the same time that it could be life threatening if I cross paths with an armed short fused a$$hole. I live in a very high traffic city with stuff to do on both sides of it, taking my kid to some classes results in a two hour commute and then two hours back home. Not easy and it makes me want to light my hair on fire sooooo me and my kid play the “maybe” game:
Maybe that guy cut me off because he is pooping in his pants (Kid laughs and it Takes the edge of me bursting into flames)
Maybe that lady trying to pass me in a not so nice way is late for her flight to (insert whatever place you/your kid think of and talk about what things you’d like to do there. While in Italy, for example, we thought about asking for a pizza with pineapple on it and putting a clown wig on the David)
I could go on and on (I won’t) but the main thing is to redirect my anger as energy to somewhere else.
I find it amusing when I do it with my kid because it helps us connect while spending time together. When I am by myself I play it too, but the NSFW version: This guy is tailgating me because he cannot wait to get pegg3d when he gets home. Etc etc. I chuckle for a bit and let it pass. Not kink shaming anyone at all.
Maybe I am a bit insane but this has helped me tremendously.
Great outlook i need to try this
Stay in the basement. No driving required.
I read somewhere that if you’re angry when you’re driving, you’re actually angry about something not driving-related. It’s just manifesting while you’re behind the wheel.
I don’t know about that, I’ll be fine until someone with no comprehension of “right of way” nearly kills me. Those moments usually create a string of angry swears that would make a sailor proud.
Pardon my language, though I heard this in an interview with Jimmy Carr, and it rather highlights this for me quite well:
I’m paraphrasing, though it was something like “if you’ve seen five cunts before noon, you’re the cunt”.My sapphic brain wasn’t tuned to understand that quote properly at first. Instead of seeing an insult, I thought, “Wow, that sounds like a busy, but amazing, morning.”
This connect deserves a ⭐, just because 😊
