Spoiler alert, I’m trying to donate a kidney to a close friend who’s been on dialysis for a few years. Cancer took out both kidneys and he’s finally healthy enough for a transfer.
If you or a loved one has donated their kidney I’d love to know more.
As far as I know I’ve done all the testing and all but one was passed with flying colors. At my age I feel a bit of pride being healthy enough to donate. My BP was a bit high during the testing day, which hasn’t been a problem before. I have an all day monitor coming in the mail just to be sure.
My family and friends have been along this journey with me and I hadn’t planned to say anything to anyone else, particularly here. Some people do good to brag and I don’t want to be like that. I do enjoy the positive attention when I do good so for me it’s a real fear it’ll become an ego thing.
What changed my mind and why I’m here asking is the below email from my daughter. She’s 27 and the mother of my only granddaughter.
"I don’t really have questions about the process I have concerns and feelings.
I understand the medical system will do the best they can but that doesn’t mean things can’t still happen and that’s my worry.
Selfishly I think “what if something happens?” “what if I loose the person I consider my support system?” “what if any of us get less time with you?” “what if this doesn’t help?” “What if Kevin isn’t appreciative?” “What if you have other problems down the line?” The “what ifs” are scary.
There are also some feelings towards Kevin and I am conflicted with them, he’s never don’t anything to me or to deserve a bad reputation but I hold a level of animosity for threatening my stability. It took my a few conversations with my therapist to understand why I was even upset at him and it’s because he’s putting something I care deeply about at risk. Even if it’s for a good reason.
I am also conflicted because the medical side of me knows he deserves the help just as much as anyone, it’s not about him receiving the help it’s about the help coming from MY dad. It’s hard for me.
I’ve held off saying anything because I know nothing I will say can change the decision and I’m not sure that’s what I really want, I think I just wish it didn’t have to be you that went under the knife."
So those who have been through this at some point, how you navigate instances like this would be helpful to read. Not the choice you made, that’s mine to make, but your reasoning and thoughts as you went through this.
At the meetings and testing with all the doctors including the surgeon I had a ton of questions about my life after surgery. I never once bothered to ask my risk of death and what happens if suddenly I’m at risk during the surgery. It just didn’t occur to me death was a risk.
I’m meeting with my transplant advocate today, those who don’t know this is someone outside of the rest of the organization to make sure I’m taken care of and can get out at any point. So I’ll talk to her about my new questions, she won’t have answers but she’ll get meetings set with those who do for me. What else did you ask that I should consider asking?
When I first read my daughters email my initial thought was to reply “don’t worry, I’ll be fine” and placate her. She has always been the worry wart of the family. But I decided to sleep on it and I thought before I finalize what I’m thinking it’s best to go outside of my family and standard support groups and outside of the medical system that’s helping me through this and ask strangers on the internet that their experience has been like.
Thank you and I look forward to reading your comments and talking with you! Now I’m going to try to go back to sleep.
My POV is this: if you decide to do this,do it for yourself without expectations for gratitude after. Because you might not get this,maybe friendship will finish,maybe other things happens. So to have peace in heart,treat it as gift,not investment to get dividends- once gifted it’s forgotten. Must done with open heart. And to find out if it’s exactly that way- imagine now how would you feel if after operation Kevin never responds your call and cuts contacts. Best of luck whatever you decide.
Slightly related - I went to the doctor’s with a suspected UTI, which turned out to be nothing serious. During their scan, they discovered that I only have one kidney. I was shocked, but they explained that it’s more common than you might think and that my life expectancy/quality would likely be unaffected. I was 47 at the time and drank pretty hard in my 20s. Zero ill effects, but definitely unsettlling.
Annoyingly, I made the mistake of telling a friend immediately after the diagnosis. I live rurally, so now a bunch of people know me as the guy with one kidney, which isn’t ideal.
That’s helpful for sure!
Did they give you any restrictions you should follow? I was told to avoid ibuprofen and excessive protein intake. So the amount I get from food is fine but no body building quantities.
One of my family members was on dialasis for a decade, and received a donor kidney about 20 years ago, it changed his life after he suffered for so long
he had a bumper sticker that read dont take yoyr organs to heaven, heaven knows we need them here
not entirely relevant. Anyway, i think you should do it if you want to, it’s entirely normal to have reservations about surgery
Thank you for sharing. It’s delightful to hear the outcome. That’s what I’m hoping Kevin will experience.
And I think I need that bumper sticker too!
I think you need to realize her concerns are entirely valid. Everything could go great and you could both have 1 working kidney then live long lives after. You could die on the table. You could give him your kidney and then 10 years from now your remaining one has an issue and then your on dialysis. etc. Your daughter is not wrong to be scared/concerned. You are not wrong to want to help your friend. Both of you have valid feelings about this. You just need to talk about them. In person preferably. Not over an email. Explain to her why doing this is so important to you. Make plans for what happens if the worst outcome happens. You need to seriously ask yourself: “Will my family be okay if I die on the table?” before you go do it. Because if the answer is no and you haven’t considered that yet it’s something you need to think about.
I hope everything goes well and you help your friend and both of you are fine. But I also hope you go into this understanding your daughters concerns, and being fully aware of all the risks.
I agree with everything you said!
One bit that is interesting in the process. If at any point I ever need a kidney I get to be nearly at the top of the living doner list as long as I’m healthy enough for surgery. They said at that hospital they’ve never seen anyone need dialysis because they get kidneys so fast. The only category above a previous doner is children. And it turns out children rarely ever need a kidney.
There is also a dead doner list (I can’t remember the word they used for a dead person’s organ, they didn’t say it this way). And that is the less desirable kidney due to longevity between needing another one.
I actually didn’t know that that’s interesting. Definitely something I’d mention to your daughter when you guys chat. Also, if he’s comfortable with it, I’d reccomend arranging an in person meeting with her and Kevin. It could help her to actually look into the eyes of the person whose life you’re going to save. Even if they’ve met plenty of times before. Just all 3 of you sit down and chat. Not about the surgery but just in general.
I like that idea!
My wife and I are going with my daughter and her family to the zoo tonight to celebrate Halloween. We’re dressing up as Monsters Inc characters. I’ll see if it makes sense to talk to her then about it and setup a play date for us.
Interesting read, I’ve heard of that movement before but it’s the first the I’ve read of a specific example. Thank you!
A close friend of mine donated a kidney to an older man associated with us about 20 years ago. He has been healthy, married with 2 children in the past 20 years, and he does not regret his choice one bit.
The person who received the kidney transplant died last year having lived 19 more great years with his own family.
That’s all I have to say.
This is what I was asking for, thank you!
