Donny Convict’s superpower has always been how relatable he is. he’s just like one of us!
under all the burnt-cork spray-tan, under that rat’s nest of fucked-up bullshit atop his big, dumb pumpkin head, under the makeup that conceals his rotting hand, under that doughy torso, and the neckgina and the cankles, Donny’s just a perfectly normal homey, doing perfectly normal stuff.
I mean, who among us hasn’t sat at the head of a table while sycophants and psychopaths praise our imaginary accomplishments, as we gradually lose consciousness and fill the room with the pungent aroma of ass music?
seriously, check out Don Snorelone during yesterday’s cabinet meeting. the decaying old fuck can barely keep his beady little eyes open, even as his piss-drunk Secretary of Death slobbers all over his ass.
“President Trump knows better. and here’s what success actually looks like. you mentioned it, Mr. President. A-10 Warthogs — if you know them, you love them — and Apache helicopter gunships are flying strike missions inside Iranian airspace and throughout the Strait of Hormuz at will. you see, you only send this slow, low-flying, air support platforms when the enemy has no meaningful air force.”
fact check for Piss-Drunk Pete: here’s how well the don’t-you-dare-call-it-a-war on Iran going:
“The US military has mostly abandoned 13 of their military bases in the Middle East because they can’t be protected. Iran’s missiles and drones are getting through and successfully attacking the bases.”
oh, huh. that doesn’t sound good, that Iranian drones are zipping around the Middle East at will and fucking America’s shit so thoroughly that we’ve had to abandon 13 military bases.
and where is Iran getting these drones that they’re using to cripple our military? you’ll never guess.
wait, didn’t the US just loosen sanctions on Russian oil? why is America doing favors for a country that’s helping Iran blow our shit up? am I on crazy pills? none of this makes one lick of sense to me.
maybe Donny might want to bring this up with his despot bestie Vlad the next time they have a snugglebunny playdate.
oh, dear — silly me for even suggesting it. I’d forgotten who pulls the strings around here.
now let’s listen to Dear Leader’s few remaining synapses struggle to connect as he whines about how unfair it was of Iran to fight back.
“their neighbors were sort of like bystanders. they weren’t involved very much. they didn’t choose heavy sides. they didn’t want to, because people were concerned with Iran, they were stu— big black cloud over the Middle East. they were concerned but all of a sudden the war starts and they start shooting at— these five, in particular five countries. they start shooting at Qatar, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Kuait, Oman. they start shooting at ’em, they were— they were— everybody was shocked. including us. you know why? because they’re sick.”
what in the actual fuck is this incoherent drivel? ‘they didn’t choose heavy sides’ isn’t my transcription error, folks — Sundowning Grandpa Bugfuck actually spoke those words, while reading off prepared notes. his brain is rancid tapioca pudding.
I love how this shitwit claims that nobody saw any of this coming. ‘shocked! we were shocked!’
hey, you know who would have absolutely seen it coming? all the generals and admirals who Piss-Drunk Pete fired.
it’s too bad that not one of these shitcanned military experts were around to explain to Dear Leader all about the Strait of Hormuz. it’s knowledge that might have come in handy — you never know.
**it’s all so fucking stupid. every single one of these these act-first-and-think-never imbeciles like Donny and Plastered Pete and Liddle Marco Big-Shoes were so high on their own supply that they never imagined Iran would defend itself after being attacked. **how clownfuckingly naive is that?
look, I’m no military historian, but isn’t ‘fight back’ the one of the first rules of warfare? how can anyone claim to be shocked? it seems pretty goddamned obvious to me.
none of this had to happen. there was no reason for Donny to blunder into an unprovoked, unnecessary and illegal war in the first place — and now that shit has gone sideways, all he can do is bellyache like a piss-baby about unfair is it that Iran won’t let him win.
how completely fucking childish.
you have to let me win — mommy says I’m the best!
hang on, the most insecure ball of fragility every to crap a diaper in the Oval Bordello has a pathological need to reassure everyone that his mommy also says he’s the smartest!
“I’ll say it right now, I’ll say it because no press ever reports it. I’m the only president that ever took a cognitive test. I took it three times. it’s actually a very hard test for a lot of people. it wasn’t hard for me. but it’s a cognitive test. starts off with an easy question, and by the time you get to the middle it gets tougher. by the time you get to the end, very few people can answer those questions. they get very tough. mathematical equations and things. I took it three times. I aced it all three times, in front of numerous doctors that I have no idea who they are.”
look, we’ve discussed to death this to business of Donny continually bragging about acing a dementia test where he had to point a drawing of a camel.
I remain unimpressed. how about a cognitive test where Donny has to point a drawing of the Strait of Hormuz? I’ll bet he’d fucking fail that one.
at this point I’d settle for Donny pointing to a map of Phillydilly.
“…the Mayor of Chicago and the Governor of Phillydilly.”
where the fuck on Earth is Phillydilly? and where the fuck are the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press?
Donny has blundered into a war, destabilized the Middle East, caused an energy crisis, plunged the world into economic uncertainty — and he’s so cognitively impaired, he can’t even comprehend the damage he’s done, much less do anything to fix it. he’s too busy blithering about the magical enchanted land of Phillydilly.
isn’t that worth writing about? if this were Joe Biden pulling any of this shit, the press would be crucifying him.
look, you fools. the world is on fire — and none of this is fine.
hey, you know who’s cordially invited to fuck all the way off?
Lisa Murkowski, that’s who.
“In an interview with my colleague Erik Wasson, ahead of a weeks-long congressional recess, Republican Sen. Lisa Murkowski says, ‘I’m worried we get out of town and the president goes in with ground troops aiming for a full takeover.’”
oh yeah? if Murky Lisa was so fucking concerned about Donny going ape-shit in the Middle East, then why did she vote against the War Power Resolution that would have prevented Donny from pulling any of this shit in the first place?
thanks a ton, Senator. here’s a present from We the People.
and now, it’s time for your Crowning Moment of Complete Batshit.
yesterday afternoon, Dear Leader phoned into Fox News to praise himself — and things very quickly went off the rails.
Dana Perino: “I think it is alarming that we have not been able to see or hear from the Iranian people, and I imagine that is because their internet is shut down, and I think there is some general worry about them … I would never ask you to tell us something that is classified, but do you have an insight as to how they are doing? do they have drinking water? do they have food? it’s upsetting.”
Donny: “do you remember when we had lunch years ago in Trump Tower? you haven’t changed. you may be even better looking, okay?”
holy shit. Dana Perino comes as close to committing an actual journalism as anyone who accepts a paycheck from Fox News is allowed to — and all Donny can do in response is flirt. ugh. gross. shut the fuck up, you malignant toad.
ok, folks — tomorrow is No Kings Day. let’s make this the largest single day of protest in American history.
check out this map. there will be rallies all over the US and Europe — and even down in South American and over in Africa.
go here to find the rally nearest you.
see you there!