Why did you fire your aids, Hegseth?

Because they leaked the batshit insane plan to invade Panama.

How did you figure that out?

I wiretaped them through the NSA.

That’s illegal Hegseth!

Ok, I didn’t wiretap them. I just didn’t like them. They didn’t get along with my cheif of staff.

Then just say that! You have the power to fire people you don’t like without both confirming a leak and admitting to a federal crime!

Well, to be fair, I was also drunk…